Tuesday, April 23, 2013

What I Would Do If I Weren't Playing Albertsons Monopoly

In the time it takes to open one Albertsons Monopoly game ticket, I could make a pot of coffee.

In the time it takes to open twelve Albertsons Monopoly game tickets (normal shopping trip swag), I could grind some coffee beans and make a good pot of coffee.

In the time it takes to locate where to play these FORTY-EIGHT game pieces (four per ticket) on the Monopoly board, only to find out I already have ALL OF THEM from previous grocery store trips, I could grind the coffee beans, scoop the grounds, purify the water through a charcoal filter I make myself with ash from the fireplace, steam some milk, and invite the neighborhood over for misto lattes.

In the time it takes 543,333 Albertsons customers to open 81,500,000 Monopoly game tickets, we could fly to Ethiopia, harvest a coffee crop, market the brand internationally, and set up franchises from Seoul to Cleveland.

In the time it takes 543,333 Albertsons customers to locate where to play these THREE-HUNDRED-AND-TWENTY-SIX-MILLION Monopoly game pieces (four per ticket) on their convoluted, pseudo-alphabetical, not-even-anything-like-the-beloved-game-of-my-childhood board, we could initiate Phase Two of our coffee shop business plan, go public on the NASDAQ, make our early investors ridiculously rich, sell out to Starbucks, and retire comfortably.

Why, oh, why, Albertsons Marketing Team?

#firstworldproblems

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